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30.07.2003 I don't believe it! no way!

Goddamit… Had I blogged yesterday, I would have made *4* weeks of blogging every day without fail! Unfortunatly, this little dipshit was too tired to blog… ah well… looks like the record is 3 weeks and 6 days… lets try again!

The blogathon has really screwed up my sleep patterns… at the moment I'm tired all day and can't sleep at night… man I'm soooo fucked up! Anyone else been wiped out by the blogathon?

I came across this site today. I'm pretty impressed by their description of what my name means:

The name of Andrew has made you serious-minded, responsible, and stable. You love the security of a home and family, you are fond of children, and, as a parent you would be fair and understanding. Although you have good business judgment, you are not aggressive in your dealings because you do not like to create issues. You would be successful in any position dealing with the public as you have a diplomatic and tactful manner and possess a charming, easy-going nature which puts people at ease. People are drawn to you because they feel that you are patient, kind, understanding, and responsive. You would be effective in a career or in volunteer work where you are handling people and serving in a humanitarian way. While you are honest and responsible, one weakness that is paramount in your life is your lack of self-confidence and initiative, which causes you to put things off and avoid facing issues. Generally speaking, you have few problems with your health; however, there is a weakness affecting the fluid functions of the body.

Its true… I have a lot of potential to make loads of money working for myself, and I'm constantly coming up with money making ideas but I can never be arsed to really go ahead and do something about it… (and it's true! I'm totally lacking self-confidence!).

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28.07.2003 I'm soooo knackered.

I really cannot remember the last time I was *this* knackered. After the blogathon my body refused to let me sleep… I'm one of those strange people that can't sleep when the suns out. Since I couldnt sleep, after watching the obligitory omnibous edition of eastenders (not my choice…. the missus made me, honest!). We headed over to see Steph's sister. Me and her fianc ended up sitting at their house babysitting, while Steph and her sister rambled off to visit their Grandmother in hospital.

Telly was ok that night, cos they had Terminator night on channel 5, so that kept me entertained for a while. Once they'd returned I gorged myself on a feast of spare ribs, egg fried rice soaked in sweet n sour sauce and banana fritters with cream. YUM!

After that, I went home and slept. Do you blame me? I'd been awake for 38 hours!!

For future reference, I've put all the entries from the blogathon into their own pmachine category, which you can access for reading at www.greendezire.com/blogathon2003.php

Heh… the blogathon quilt project thingy is complete! You can see my part of the quilt here! (its bottom row, second from the left).

Thank god Big Brother is over for another year. I really don't have a clue why people get soooo wrapped up in this retarded shite year after year. Fucking hell… if you wanna watch a no-brained critter do nothing hour after hour get yourself a bloody gold fish or something. hell… if you wanna make it more exciting, name them all and flush one down the toilet every week or something depending on which one's you like and don't like.

Important notice. Please for the love of god, never ever EVER buy Asda's own brand (smartprice) Rice Pudding… It tastes like shit. Even the nasty burnt homemade stuff my mum used to make tastes a damn site better than this shit…. bleugh!

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27.07.2003 YAY! Finished!

WOOO! I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT!!!

Thanks to everyone who sponsored me for blogathon 2003! Thanks to you I've managed to raise a total of 82.25! (thats probably well over $100!) Its really appreciated and its going to a brilliant cause! Comic Relief help millions of suffering people all over the world every year, whether its in the most poverty stricken areas of Africa or homeless people here in the UK. Every single penny donated will go to helping someone less fortunate than ourselves.

I also want to thank the people that commented on my posts during the thon. You guys helped keep my spirit alive and stop me falling asleep. Love you all!

Does this look like one tired dude to you or what? ;o)

time for one last joke? I think so!

One day, Todd complained to his friend, ” My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.” His friend said, ” Don't bother. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker & cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it and it only costs $10.00.” Todd figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, outpopped a small slip of paper which read:
” You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labour. It will be better in two weeks” .
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was & how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

Well… thats it for this year I guess! Thanks again everyone!

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27.07.2003 The end is nigh!

Thats right boys and girls! This is the penultimate post! Only one more to go and thats Blogathon2003 over and done with and maybe I can get into bed and get me some sleep! Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?
Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands. Then say, ” Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters” .
Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.

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27.07.2003 Gettin closer…

Only one more hour to go… this is soooo cool! I don't believe I've made it through this far. The only thing that can stop me completing the blogathon now is a complete server outage or a plane crash landing in my house! I can tell you right now, this has been one hell of an experience, there were points last night where I thought I wouldnt make it, but a quick nap soon sorted that one out!

Joke anyone?

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man.
So, the construction worker dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vice. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.

The man, terrified, screamed, ” Stop! Stop! You're not going to..To.. cut it off, are you?!?”

The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, ” Nope. You are. *I'm* going to set the garage on fire.”

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27.07.2003 Brilliant!

I don't believe it! Finally this sleep deprivation has paid off! I've just had a brilliant idea for a series of interlinked websites… Of course being me, there would have to be a database back end, but I think that with a bit of a push I could really make them quite popular! I'mnot gonna go into full details here cos someone might nick it, but I'll keep you updated if I decide to go ahead with it!

Hey ho… another joke!

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.

One smart ass, male student said, ” What about extreme sexual exhaustion?” , and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, ”
Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write.”

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27.07.2003 And the crowd go wild…

Yeah! We're on the home straight now baby! Only 2 hours left! WOOOOOO! My brilliant fiance has finally gotten off her arse and climbed out of bed, so I've sent her downstairs to make me some brekkie (since I clearly cannot be arsed to move from this here chair!).

Once thing I have to do before the end of the thon is give one of my sponsors a big plug! Mal from Speeding.co.uk sponsored me a massive 20 which is the biggest pledge I've receieved from anyone during the thon. I've worked closely with Mal over the last couple of years on his website and just recently helped him take a step into the world of blogging as well! Speeding.co.uk has a massive range of wicked car accessories and gadgets… everything from dixie horns to rev counters, to neons and funky extras like those wicked towels that are marked so you know which end to wipe your face on and which to wipe your arse on. )

Anyways… check out these sites!

Speeding.co.uk - http://www.speeding.co.uk

Mals Blog - http://www.mal.speeding.co.uk

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do and all the kids are restless. The teacher says, ” Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today.”

Little Johnny says to himself, ” Good, I want to get outta here, I'm smart and will answer the question” .
The teacher asked, ” Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Jay said, ” Abraham Lincoln” .
The teacher said, ” That's right Jay. You can go” . Johnny was MAD.
The teacher asked, ” Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?” Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, ” Martin Luther King” .
The teacher said, ” That's right Mary. You can go” . Johnny was even MADDER than before.
The teacher asked, ” Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?” Before Johnny could open his mouth, Carol said, ” John Kennedy” . The teacher said, ” That's right Carol. You can go” . Johnny was BOILING MAD.
Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said,

” I wish these women would keep their mouths shut” .
The teacher asked, ” WHO SAID THAT?”
Johnny said, ” BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?”

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27.07.2003 The end is nigh!

Only 2 and a half hours left now boys n girls! So you havent got much longer to get off your backsides and sponsor me! If you havent done it already Click here to sponsor me! thanks! The kindergartners were now in first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer. The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said,
” No, no, you went to see your Grandmother. Use the grown up word.”

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said,
” No, no, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word.”
Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied,
” Winnie the Shit.”

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27.07.2003 Gutted…

I don't believe it. The thon chat room has been taken down for exceeding its bandwidth. I feel sorry for Jess cos her blogathon was hosted on the same domain. ( Still… you can still check out her blog here until her site is restored!

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, ” I've kidnapped you.”

She then wrote a note saying, ” I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.”
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, ” How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?”

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27.07.2003 not long now…

I can't beleive how quickly this last leg of the blogathon is going… Its almost over now! A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, ” Wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The guy next to him replies, ” Well before you tell that joke, you should know something.
I am 6' tall, 200 lbs and I am blonde. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2, weighs 225 and he's blonde. The fella next to him is 6'5″ and 250 and blonde.
Now, you still wanna tell that joke?” The first guy says,

” Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times.”

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